6 Times Albus Wished He Had Expressed His Feelings
by Mrs Bella Riddle
Summary: Albus Dumbledore always seemed to know what he was doing, but even he had regrets. There were six times he wished he had opened his heart and expressed his feelings, but there was one time he wished he had been silent.


**A/N:** This is written for the Character Diversity Boot Camp with the prompt wish and Lady's Writing School where I had to find a 3,000 word Albus one shot. Albus is not someone I'm comfortable writing, but I hope someone does enjoy it.

It also includes some Gellert/Albus slash.

)o(

Albus was shacking. His wand was still in his hand and unconsciously twirled it impatiently between his fingers from the pent up energy that surged through him. He could still remember what it felt like to see the curses spew from his wand into the tree trunk and watch it melt away like it was nothing.

He had never been one to practice or try magic that was so dark. It had been Gellert's idea. He had discovered the book and they both had been engrossed in the words; drawn in by the promise of ancient and powerful magic. Albus could not even reject the idea or think that it was wrong when he could feel Gellert's body warmth drifting over him and see his smile from so close a range.

Gellert said he would come up to their home after dinner. Albus had long since stopped trying to deny that made him as giddy as a child.

Opening the door to their modest cottage, the sounds of childish laughter reached his ear. Albus' smile widened this time caused by someone other than Gellert as he drew closer to the noise and stepped into the living room.

The threadbare couch was full with not even enough room to fit a cat as Aberforth and Ariana sat close together. Aberforth was moving his hands up and down excitedly as if he was telling an active and interactive story. It was a sweet scene. Albus was not even bitter to see how close two of his siblings were. After all that Ariana had gone through in her life, it was nice to see her smile.

However, it stopped just as quickly.

"Al!" Ariana exclaimed with delight as she tossed herself of the couch and flung herself at her other brother. Albus automatically patted her auburn hair from his great height as he slowly pulled away. "Ab said you wouldn't be back tonight. He said you would be with Gellert all night."

Albus lifted his eyes from Ariana to Aberforth lowering his eyes in disapproval to his brother, but the younger man did not flinch. He only stared up at Albus with identical blue eyes with a smug smile on his face. "No, of course I would come home." He smiled mechanically trying not to display his uncertainties and how badly Aberforth's suspicions were affecting him. "But Gellert will come by later."

Ariana beamed practically bounced on the balls of her feet with her hands clasped tightly together like she was praying. "Oh yes! I do like Gellert."

Aberforth's smug smile fell away as he stood quickly. "Come on, Ariana," Aberforth urged sliding his hands onto her shoulder. "It is time for bed."

"But I'm not tired," she argued as if she was ten younger. "I want to see Gellert."

"What about dinner?" Albus said softly and smoothly.

"She has eaten. You're too late."

Albus tried not to be upset or jealous. He only nodded and cast a glance at the clock on the mantel piece that did show it was past her bedtime. He did love her sister, but he could not deny it would be nice to have Gellert to himself for the night.

"Of course," he nodded watching as Aberforth led Ariana to the doorway. "Goodnight, Ariana."

"Night Al," she replied cheerfully as she stepped from the doorway. "I love you."

Albus smiled his heart clenched as Aberforth led her away.

He did not reply. He did not say he loved her. That night he had assumed it would be fine. He had assumed he could tell her later.

He was wrong.

It would be the last night on Earth and he would never get the chance to tell her that he loved her too.

)o(

Albus was in a haze. The sun shone down on him and the wind rippled his auburn hair over his shoulder, but he did not feel it. The voice of funeral orator drifted to his ears, but he did not hear it. Tears trickled out from under his glasses, but he did not feel the sorrow and grief that should have engulfed his being.

He was numb.

Ever since that night when he, Gellert and Aberforth had traded curses and poor little Ariana had entered the room and been struck down, he had stopped feeling. It had been the last time Aberforth had spoken a word to him and the moment when he had finally discovered Gellert's true nature and told him to leave.

Maybe if it screamed it would help. Maybe if he opened his lungs and hollered and let out his grief for the entire world to hear, it would feel better.

He did not think it would. Instead he sat still and tried to watch and listen. He continued to cry, but he kept measurably composed and in control like he was famous for.

"Now Ariana's brother would like to say something." The orator said softly turning to Albus.

Albus looked to Aberforth sitting by him. Aberforth's blue eyes were the same as him with tears leaking down his face. However, he did not face him.

Aberforth would not look at him.

His parents were dead. Ariana was dead. Gellert was gone and now Aberforth would not even talk to him. Effectively he had no one.

Despite the fact he had not planned anything to stay, he stood. He was confident his intelligence would give him something to utter. At least speaking was simple. He could try and close off his emotions by speaking to the crowd.

"What are you doing?" Aberforth hissed from where he had stood beside him. It was the first time Albus had him heard him talk for so long as his neck cracked back quickly to his brother. "You're not talking for her."

"She is my sister too," he murmured his voice soft trying to keep calm. "I want to speak."

Aberforth's emotions were the opposite of Albus'. Fury replaced sorrow as he growled in venom. "You killed her!" His voice rose in pitch and his fists clenched together. "You're the reason she's dead!"

Albus heart sank. His mouth grew dry. Aberforth was right. It was his fault.

"Ab..." His voice shook as he tried to say something that could help. "I'm-"

He did not get the chance to say anything else. Aberforth struck his fist slamming into his nose. He fell back staggering onto his chair. His hand moved feeling the blood leak from his broken nose as Aberforth walked by him to take the stand.

Albus collapsed into his seat ignoring the whispering as he started to cry with vigour.

He never tried to say sorry again.

Despite the fact their relationship would start to heal in their later years he still wished he had been offer to say that one simple word.

)o(

Albus was always careful to watch each of the first years enter. As Deputy Headmaster he enjoyed standing in front of the students and smiling kindly to limit their nerves as he told the rich history of the school and the founders. Sometimes he talked a little too long and a little too longwinded, but he thought many appreciated the facts. Then he would get them settled into their first Transfiguration lesson and see the potential of the young minds and see how each child was special.

This year he watched just as carefully, but he was not so jovial.

He was worried.

Sitting in the front row of his class without anyone beside him and in second hand robes, Tom Riddle did not show any emotion, but he listened to every word. He answered every question posed with detail and accuracy. Even as a first year, when he raised his wand as they began some simple spells, he showed promising gifts and abilities.

Albus was still worried.

Albus was pleased that Tom had thrived in class and that he had a natural intelligence and gift with magic, but he could not forget the first visit to the orphanage. He could not forget the gleam in Tom's eyes as he told of his Parseltongue skill and how he had hurt others.

More than that, the boy was alone. The boy had not displayed any budding friendships. He had not even seen like he was trying to get close to anyone. It was like he enjoyed being separated from everyone.

Albus had sworn to watch him and he stuck by that, but it was hard to only vow to do that. As he dismissed the class, Tom did not rush to leave in the crowded room. Instead he was careful to stack everything neatly into his bag like the actions of a much older child as he stood; he was almost the last in the room.

The opportunity was too good to pass up. He had to say something.

"Tom," he called softly still perched behind his desk. "May I have a word?"

Albus noticed the faintest crease in the boy's forehead, but it disappeared almost as soon as it appeared. "Yes, Professor," he said carefully as he turned to face Albus. "What do you need?"

He wanted to say everything would be fine. He wanted to say he would help. He wanted to say he would have a friend. He wanted to say he was alone and did not need to be.

Instead he smiled mechanically. "Good work today, Tom. You show potential."

It at least made Tom, but it did not make him feel better. He only felt even more ill.

The feeling of illness grew more severe as the years passed and the boy Tom was no more. He could not help, but wonder, as he faced Lord Voldemort in later years, what would have happened if he would have asked if Tom was alright and given him the affection that had always been denied to him.

)o(

Albus was unsure if he had intended everything to work out this way. His admittedly brilliant mind had considered numerous possibilities and alternatives for how this situation could have panned out. Some possessed some similarities to what had eventuated but there were some jarring differences.

He could feel the battlements hard and cool against his back, but he did not look to see the beautiful night sky or the intimidating drop behind him. He knew it would have been a lovely sight. It would have been something to embrace and smile at for one final time, but he could not.

He had a final task to complete.

The young Malfoy boy stood before him, his face grey and his arms trembling. Albus knew it was hard for Draco. He knew he was placed into an impossible position that only the cruelty of Tom would have put him in. Tom did not understand. He knew the theory of how love for a family could manipulate someone, but he did not understand the gut wrenching pain, worse than any Cruciatus Curse, that could spread through a person's body.

Draco was going through that now yet he lowered his wand. Albus felt so proud of the boy, but he had more pressing matters to solve when their time and space was interrupted by the assortment of Death Eater. It was a relief when the person he longed to see appeared- Severus. His wand was in his hand and he was already examining the scene

"Severus..." he whispered in what he knew others would take as a plea for his life, though he assumed Severus would understand. They had discussed this for months. He knew how hard it was for him. He was aware that it was the hardest thing he could ask anyone to even consider doing.

He also knew it had to be done.

The Order needed Severus. The Order needed someone close to Voldemort. Severus could not die which he would if the vow was not fulfilled. Draco could not die which he surely would if Voldemort heard he had failed. No, it was for the best. He was an old man now. He had lived a long and fulfilling life. It was time for Draco and Severus to continue to enjoy all the wonders that life would bring.

Albus continued to stare up at Severus. His face was contorted in fury. He knew he hated him for having made him do this, but he had no choice.

"Severus...please..."

Then Severus raised his wand and it took all of Albus' self control to not smile. He wanted to whisper thank you. He wanted to express all his gratitude for all the horror filled acts he had made the young man do, but he could not. He could not say these things with so many Death Eaters around instead he put them all at the forefront of his mind as the jet of green light flew towards him.

He last thought was that he hoped that Severus would somehow and someday know how thankful he was.

)o(

Death was not unpleasant. Death was not even unwelcome. Death was the ultimate peace and calming pleasure and serenity.

However, when the tug came and the smokiness of an unknown world emerged around him along with Harry, he could only take is as a larger blessing as he explained to Harry all that he should have said so long ago, but had never got the chance or incentive.

It was strange. He still remembered so much about Harry. He remembered Lily and James beaming and excited as they announced to the assembled members of the Order, so few of who were still alive, that Lily was pregnant. He remembered the day Harry was born. He remembered the day he had been forced to give Harry to his aunt. He remembered the first time he had set sights on eleven year old Harry when he had entered Hogwarts as a first year.

He had grown so much. He was no longer a baby or a boy. He was a man. He was an honest, just, strong, brave and great man. He had tried to tell Harry that. He had tried to tell of his good qualities, but it was difficult to find the opportunity and the words.

As he and Harry stood and Albus got one last look at the wonderful man before him, he could have stood with Harry forever, but it was not right to be selfish. He had to go. He had to live his life and do the final difficult task or ensuring peace could be delivered.

Still he wanted to say one final thing to him. He wanted to say how amazing he was. He wanted to say how proud he was of him. He wanted to say how proud his parents were of him.

He did not get the chance as he answered Harry's final question the mist descended and Harry returned to the real world.

He hoped that, before Harry ever had a chance to return to this place, he learned that everyone loved him.

)o(

The sun had set several hours ago, but the warmth from the Earth had not disappeared, leaving a comfortable temperature in the air. Everything was quiet with Gellert's aunt asleep and the only noise the chirping of crickets in the distance.

Only a few candles were placed over the porch and they and the moon were all that shone light over the boys. Albus was not sure what was going through him, but he could not stop staring at Gellert. His blonde hair shone through the darkness and his emerald eyes were alight and gleaming with unmasked joy.

Albus was not normally like this. He had never felt like this before. His hands had never been soclammy. His hearts had never beaten so quickly. His thoughts had never stalled and faltered, but, as Albus sat next to Gellert on the wooden seat with an ancient text before them, Albus could not do anything but freeze like a deer in headlights.

Gellert was too close. Albus was close enough to feel the comforting warmth of his skin. However, he could not do anything. He would not do anything. He swore he wouldn't. He was so sure about that then Gellert turned and faced him, his lips twisted upwards into a broad smile that was directed at him.

"What is wrong Albus?" he asked in a distinct German accent, his eyes mischievous as he tapped the book that was resting on Albus' leg. It just made him tense even further, but Gellert did not seem bothered. "You are not normally so quiet."

His mouth was dry. It was hard to find any answer with any sense so he only nodded with hesitation. "No I'm fine." His voice was quieter and without a lengthened answer which would have been expected but he did not think Gellert would have noticed that.

He was wrong.

"What is it Albus?" Gellert repeated twisting completely so he was staring directly into his eyes. His hand moved and, to Albus' surprise slid around his hand. The heat was intense. Albus could feel his cheeks brightening and his breath growing strained. "You can tell me."

Albus shook his head his red hair fluttering over his shoulder. "No." His voice was even softer. He did not want to speak at all. "I can't."

"You can."

The look in those eyes was soft. The smile was so large. His heart was pounding so hard. His hands were shaking so much. Somehow he found himself opening his lips even though he knew he should not.

"I love you."

His heart was wrenched from him. He was thrown onto the table before Gellert. It was placed vulnerable before him.

Gellert did not even seem surprised. His smile grew and, Albus did not even think it was misplaced or disturbing. He only thought about how they moved and pressed against his.

It was only later weeks later after Ariana lay dead in the ground and his actions were under his own scrupulous eye that he came to regret those words. He came to regret falling for him. He regretted kissing him.

Most of all he regretted saying those words and allowing himself to be manipulated. He regretted allowing himself to be a man he was so ashamed of.


End file.
